I feel this is something everyone has done at some point in their life. I’ve been trying to write a whole lot more weekend updates consistently, but they always come back to me simply staring at blank documents trying to figure out what to write. So where else do I go from here? I simply add words, string them into sentences – which, after all, is how I come up with film reviews every now and then, right? But I also find that even this seems a bit daunting even to me.
But really, let me be honest. That of course, sounds very bad for most screenwriters or film critics. It’s been a whole year since I graduated from Sheridan College in their Bachelors of Film and Television Program and I wanted to use this platform to at least talk a little bit more about everything that’s been on my mind since then, going from how I view art beyond movies, or even my general views on life – going from unemployment or the present economy never accommodating people with arts degrees.
That’s why I figured I’ll start off with the title Staring at Blank Documents to imagine what it feels like, especially for someone like myself. And at least with that title, I know exactly what I want to confront. This is not the first time that I’ve written about writer’s block and the pressure that aiming for success will put on you, especially if you’re someone who’s financially struggling with many debts to pay off. Which certainly isn’t helped by my own love for the arts, and how this country is not taking the arts seriously enough as a sustainable art form of its own.
And you know, I always worry that if I’m just pumping out post after post after post, the quality of my writing will dwindle. It’s also why I find that writing film reviews is hard enough as is, because at the present moment, Cinema from the Spectrum is where I’m pooling money so that we can maintain the presence on WordPress even though I’m no longer the editor-in-chief after I’d entrusted that role to my friend Austin Shinn. Reviews themselves are not always the easiest to write, but even though it’s something I love doing, it’s been a bit of a money pit for me these past few years.
Then there comes what I wish to bring forth as a screenwriter. In one of my last updates, I talked a bit about how I’m writing a short film about gambling as it’s been a habit of mine within the COVID-19 pandemic to pass the time, along with my choice to enter Twitch streaming as a separate venue to keep myself from doing the same thing left and right. Even then, I’m still finding myself always coming down to the same issue: I stare right at blank documents even with the ideas laid out, because I have that Stanley Kubrick-esque desire for perfection always plaguing my mind and it’s not always helpful.
It's no different when I write these posts. So I think this might serve as good a start as any – especially with the many sections that I opened up to cover more than just film, which has always been my primary love for most of my life. I kept staring at blank documents, sometimes I feel the urge to keep writing, other times there’s just a string of sentences that end up going nowhere. And at times I also worry that’s exactly what will happen with my own writing, I start promising so much to the point that I become a parody of myself.
But maybe it’s only time that I start looking at these documents to confront that emptiness that I feel comes forth from constantly sticking only to one thing. Let’s see where things go from here: as I’m getting everything back in order. Still haven’t found a proper job yet, but the slight income I make here at least keeps me motivated to keep going. It’s not minimum wage, but I like to think at least I have moments where I see people consider what I’m doing to be at least worthwhile in some form.
Of course, some of you run into me at Toronto’s own rep theaters, whether they be the TIFF Lightbox, the Revue Cinema, or sometimes the Paradise on Bloor, others at the occasional Cineplex screening. But I’m often sitting by myself in the library at the former because I at least know I’m not being bothered there, even as I try to get something out there for your own pleasure. And at least I know with the films I research to write my usual Defining Favourites article I know that I’m at least finding a way to make money off what I do.
Really though, it’s never been about that. Yet I think sadly there’s always this ever-growing pressure to keep pursuing it, and it forces me into situations where I don’t want to be in. For the past few months, I’ve been in very deep debt, and I don’t even know where to start about how horrible the job market in Toronto is (a dear friend of mine had to return to France because of that, and another friend may end up in the same situation and going back to Russia soon). It’s always been about making sure I’m able to give people what I imagine they’d want here.
Alas, all this started from staring at a blank document the whole day. Sometimes I wish it happened more often. It feels nice to have an update once again, so I’m not going to be updating this with a number as I think that also makes it even more difficult for me. But if you made it all the way to the end of this, thank you.